CHECK THIS OUT: Drunk Russian Sailor Rips a Gaping Hole in a Bridge

Take a break from tracking our personal weight loss and check out the single most absurd piece of journalism in history:

“DRUNK RUSSIAN SAILOR RIPS GAPING HOLE IN SOUTH KOREAN BRIDGE”

Initial thoughts:
–This is the first time the words “Russian” and “Gaping” have occurred in the same line outside of Pornhub
–This gem was penned by the Moscow Times. One of the most trustworthy sources in news. A fucking beacon for truth.

An allegedly intoxicated Russian sailor… registered a blood alcohol level above the legal limit…

Those tight-lipped motherfuckers at the Moscow Times wouldn’t give us his BAC stats, but we can only speculate numbers that would kill most men. Our guy was cruising the high seas sporting at least a .30.

No injuries were reported, but parts of the bridge were closed for precautionary reasons, it said.

Uhhhhhhhhh ya think?

And the pièce de résistance…

Less than an hour before damaging the bridge, Yonhap reported the Seagrand had also hit a cruise ship moored at the same port.

This guy totaled a fucking Royal Caribbean before he destroyed a major bridge. Hell of a DUI.

Ridiculous man.

Ridiculous headline.

Ridiculous story.

Ridiculous source.

Shout out to the truthseekers at the Moscow Times for checking all of our boxes.